Few weeks ago, I got a call from a friend asking me out for a drink,
but I was already at the Lagos airport. “I’m not going to be around
for the next few days,” I told him. “I’m going to Abuja.” His
immediate reaction was – “Why? What’s wrong? Do you want to bore
yourself to death?”
That’s the typical response I get whenever I tell someone I am
travelling to Abuja. Abuja is a beautiful city with a terrible
reputation for boredom. I have heard people in other cities speak of
Lagos as a noisy, dirty and dangerous city filled with crazy people.
In truth, everyone in Lagos is crazy. What else do you expect in a
state crammed with 22 million people?
Lagos has a peculiar vibe that can’t be found anywhere in the world,
so much that
“Lagos Hustle” is a commonly used phrase among Nigerians. I would
rather go crazy living in Lagos than be bored to death in Abuja,
Ibadan or Enugu. Abuja leaves you chewing your finger nails out of
boredom. If you doubt me, whenever you have a visitor from Abuja,
check his/her finger nails. They are always short and well chewed.
Even the Hausa local nail trimmers have all migrated elsewhere due
to the nail scarcity.
It is said that people in Lagos argue for at least two hours daily. It is
true; we love to generate arguments out of everything. We argue
everywhere, in buses and even during church services. Now
Telemundo has become a cause for more argument among the girls
here.
So why are they surprised that we are crazy in this city? How many
people can stay sane for long with the screams of Telemundo girls
and the wailing sirens of police and government officials constantly
beating their eardrums? Even the supposedly rugged Lagos rats can’t
bear it too, that’s why they are always scampering from one gutter to
another. If only we can understand what those rats would be saying
to themselves about the cars with wailing sirens and flashing blue
lights which have now become the city’s official ride for big boys.
Don’t they know that it is by far the easiest way to advertise their
arrivals to all the criminals in the city?
Let’s add all the roaring vehicle engines, blaring horns, the
arguments of the association of free newspaper readers at every bus
stop, the street preachers with megaphones every morning, the open
trucks filled with dancing skimpy dressed models selling almost
expired products, or the rickety tortoise cars with dead PA system
selling gbogbonise and the CD/DVD sellers blasting latest naija vibes.
Anybody expecting to find a sane person in Lagos must be crazy
indeed. It is like looking for a virgin in Nollywood.
It is a city with an official soundtrack emanating from millions of
generators rumbling constantly all through the day and night. But as
crazy as it is in Lagos, I love it. I love the fact that it is like the city
is divided in two halves, for non smokers and smokers. Or how can
anyone explain to me why Apapa is always covered in thick smoke?
Call it trailer exhaust fumes or smoke from burning tyres, what I
know is that whenever I am passing through Apapa, it is as if I have
suddenly walked into the smokers section of a night club.
I love the fact that this city doesn’t discriminate. And that all the
money of the rich offers no protection from the most trying aspect
of life here. Aggression is imperative and timidity on the road is
seized upon by everyone even pedestrians.
When driving, you are caught up, over-taken and honked at all at
once. All drivers seem to be afflicted with honk sickness. You get in a
taxi late at night when there isn’t a single other car on the road,
and the driver is still blasting his horn at five seconds intervals for
the entire journey. It is even worse when the traffic is gridlocked.
Ask the millions who experience this bottleneck from the mainland to
the commercial districts on the Island daily.
A guy dropped his friend at Lagos airport to catch a flight to South
Africa. When he received his text message saying he had landed
safely at Joburg airport, he was still in traffic on the way back to
Victoria Island.
We don’t have much of a tourist industry in Lagos at the moment but
thank God for Makoko, an extraordinary floating slum, where
everyone travels round in boats. It is our own version of Venice.
Thanks to the governor, the dividends of democracy can now be felt
in some places in the city. Let’s take the Ojota dump site for
example, it has become symbolic of everything that past governments
have tried to achieve. What used to look at first sight a rough,
lawless, dangerous place has become a well-organised place where
good money is earned by local street boys who now prefer a life of
grime to a life of crime. Some of them are university graduates.
Lagos is a shining example of democracy. Even the area boys and
those scavengers on the streets for things to re-sell have their own
democratically elected chairmen, who sort out any arguments or
disagreements.
Don’t you love the look of today’s Oshodi, especially when you are
standing on the bridge feeding your eyes with the wonderful mosaic
of human beings like a colourful artwork? The traders are constantly
feeding energy into the atmosphere with their hilarious but
innovative marketing methods, giving visitors from various parts of
the world a first hand view of how lucrative and conducive this city is
for their businesses. But it is imperative to have lots of patience and
a good sense of humour to survive here.
Planning is crucial if you want to get things done. You must make
contingencies because most of the time things don’t go according to
plan, whether you are caught in argument or in traffic. For tourists,
it is important to note that there are no up-to-date visitors’ guide
on sale anywhere. And the few guidebooks available do not pretend
to over-sell the city’s destinations. But one thing you won’t need
guidebook to notice are the mechanic workshops littered all over the
city. The good thing about this is that whenever you go hungry, just
walk into the nearest one and you are sure to find a mama-put
(restaurant).
Lagos is noisy, polluted, corrupt, lawless and ungovernable, but
beneath these stereotypes are some of the most hardworking,
passionate and big thinkers on earth. Thousands of people make
their living by selling all kinds of stuff in traffic jams: household
provisions, mobile phones, electrical appliances, wrist watches, books,
clothes, popcorn, machetes, soup ingredients, wheel chairs, rat
poison, CDs, DVDs, pets, you can even buy a brand new car in traffic.
It is quite innovative and convenient because most Lagos residents
prefer to do their shopping on the go.
I love Lagos because this is the only city in the world where you can
leave home for work stark naked and be sure to buy everything you
want to wear in traffic. They’ve got ironing boards too in case you
want your clothes starched and properly ironed. Eko o ni baje oo.
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